The other day, I was talking to my friend about how our environment is filled with immaturity, fakeness, irrationality and obnoxiousness. It has a lot to do with the fact that some our friends are a few years younger than us and therefore are going through a completely different phase in terms of finding themselves and choosing an appropriate conduct. Others are part of a community that almost demands that girl their age behave a certain way in order for them to be considered likable and what not.

I also think that we are finding ourselves so absolutely conflicted because we have recently grown past our teen-phase and are now closer to being adults than to being children. While we were so busy pursuing fun, freedom, new experiences and new people  in our lives, we grew up. Many of my friends and me have gone through this contemplative stage around our twentieth birthday during which we took a step back and got rather depressed over the realization of how little we had accomplished in two decades. We were so caught up in the infinite joys of our liberties and freedoms, of the long nights out, the sunny days at the beach, the endless laughter and the delicate butterflies in our stomachs that we didn’t even realize that we’re adults now.

And with that, there are infinite responsibilities. There are choices we have to make for ourselves right now and they’re so scary. We have to make decisions on our own now: Who to reject, who to keep, where to go, what to leave behind, whom to take along, whom to meet halfway, whom to pray for and whom to let go. Up until recently we could’ve gotten away with just about anything under the cover of it being a naive mistake. But not anymore. Decisions we make at this stage will influence our entire life.

As young kids, we all always dreamed of finally being grownup and independent.. but seldom did we realize how big of a responsibility it comes with. All the things we dreamed of – having cool friends, being able to go out where ever, finding a significant other, studying what we want, dressing who we want – come with such staggering realities. And finally, we’re faced with the truth of being an adult and how it is so much more serious than we could have ever imagined. Ironic to think that we became adults without even realizing it, and that is the scariest part.

Islam suggests that if we sin, we should not announce those wrong doings in public –

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, 

“Every one of my followers will be forgiven except those who expose (openly) their wrongdoings. An example of this is that of a man who commits a sin at night which Allah has covered for him, and in the morning, he would say (to people): “I committed such and such sin last night,’ while Allah had kept it a secret. During the night Allah has covered it up but in the morning he tears up the cover provided by Allah Himself.”
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

In this case, the night can be understood literally, as many grave sins are committed during the night, or figuratively, as many of our sins are committed behind some sort of cover. Be it solitude, the walls of our room or any other kind of cover, we sin in private because of our inherit understanding that what we’re doing is wrong. I believe it is imperative for us to keep our sins hidden because they should be inevitably associated with shame and repentance. To sin is in our human, flawed nature.. but we can at least acknowledge that what we’re doing is wrong. If we boast with our action and announce it to others, it is implied that we’re not acknowledging how wrong it really is and that, in fact, it is not that big of a deal at all. It belittles the sin and makes it seem trivial, and that in itself is rather severe in my opinion – because each sin is relevant and should be treated as such.

But much more than any of that, what concerns me most about such an attitude toward our sin is this notion of endorsement that the exposure of sins entails. Announcing your sins that have been hidden from others makes them seem normal, okay, and acceptable. If you’re in a group of friends and everyone in that group talks about how they frequently miss prayer and that it’s really not important to them, you’re going to be influenced to think that this kind of behavior is normal, and perhaps even acceptable. Of course, that doesn’t always imply that you will let it affect your actions but in general, such an environment in which sins are exposed so nonchalantly has a negative impact in that it champions sinful conduct.

Lately, a lot of the Muslim youth around me have been engaging in premarital relationships. While I want to leave my commentary on those kind of relationships for another post.. I want to make a point that I can count the my single friends on the fingers of my hand. I’ve come to see that this openness in talking about relationships has made some of those single friends fell utterly left out and lonely. Some even said that they’re feeling like they’re missing out on life and that they’re seriously considering pursuing a relationship with someone just to get rid of this feeling. It is so unfortunate that people who are living this very noble and commendable lifestyle start to doubt themselves because of how vices have come to be so socially acceptable.

Another example is weed. Lately, a lot of the Muslim youth have been smoking it.. and if they haven’t openly admitted to smoking it, they’ve at least endorsed its usage by saying, “There is no where in the Qur’an that specifically prohibits the smoking of Marijuana!” Well, there isn’t a specific passage for LSD, ecstasy and meth either.. are you going to endorse that, too? Oh wait.. some actually have. In any case, I was talking to my friend about this and she was asking why it is that weed has become so normal now. I suggested that it is because everyone started speaking about it so openly, it’s not a stigma anymore because “even [insert random, supposed pious person who went to madrassah, took Fiqh classes or happens to be from a religious family here] smokes it”!

Other examples include some of the “good kids” in the Muslim community who have never really done anything severely wrong in their lives, wanting to do all sorts of things – smoke, drink, party, date, sneak out, take of the hijab, get tattoos & piercings – because they hear that their Muslim friends from similar backgrounds have done it. Those friends have labeled it their “rebellious stage” in an attempt to justify it.. so the good kids are like, “I want to rebel because it seems like I’m missing out on life because I’m not rebelling.” It saddens me because instead of their peers and friends bringing out the best in them, they’re bringing out the worst in them by tempting them to do wrong just for the heck of it. I realize that everyone is individually responsible for his/her actions, however, I believe it is not healthy to be in or create an environment in which sins are not only belittled but promoted.

All of thise just further proves my point that every ruling in Islam came to either bring benefit or prevent harm. This ruling of not exposing ones hidden sins prevents harm in that it prevents the endorsement thereof. Our sins and our past belong to us and are between us and Allah swt only. They shouldn’t be shared with others without a good reason (e.g. wanting advice). I’m more likely to do something bad if it is socially acceptable in my group of peers etc. Unfortunately, we often feel like we have to account for our actions to people, instead of accounting for them to Allah swt. You never know, some of your friends may look up to you and view you as a role model without you knowing. So, if you do something bad, they might think: “Oh if even ____ does it, it can’t be that bad.” It’s unfortunate enough that we carry this load of sins with us.. but do you really want to add to the load by influencing others to commit those sins as well?

I’m back alhamdulillah! Everything should be settled, finally and I should be able to blog regularly from now on, inshAllah.

So, a while ago, the day before Eid-ul Adha, I attended a funeral of a close family friend. He died young, ridiculously unexpectedly and it just threw us all off. Anyway, for his funeral all his relatives and in-laws came and along with the in-laws who flew in from the East Coast, there were his wife’s two close, female, Non-Muslim friends. I found it to be an incredibly nice gesture of them to make this incredibly long journey to be there for her and her family. I first saw them at the burial and I will admit, they caught my attention because one of them was wearing a scarf and a short skirt. I figured she was Non-Muslim and therefore unfamiliar with the customs of dressing for such an occasion so.. it all even put a little smile on my face viewing as she even made the effort to put on a scarf. She didn’t have to, she absolutely didn’t.. but she was considerate enough to do so.

When we came back to the mosque for the funeral, some older guy just came over to the women’s side (which I find disrespectful enough, what business does he have looking, let alone being there, anyway?) and informed her that she is dressed inappropriately and should therefore leave the mosque until she finds some more covered attire to wear. Now imagine you as a Non-Muslim enter a mosque for the first time and are informed that you’re dressed inappropriately and have to leave right away. Now mind you, she wore a short dress but tried to cover it up. She tied a jacket around her hips and tried to cover herself as much as possible with the limited resources at the time. Anyway, back to the rude guy. A girl my age tried to stop him from talking to her and told him that she’d get the girl something to wear and that he shouldn’t worry. So she went and got her an Abaya.. and she wore it. I felt so bad.

Later on, we were getting dinner. At first, two lines formed: One for women and oen for men.. but those ‘restrictions’ aren’t too strict in this group of people at least. The girl spent the entire day with the widow’s brothers and sister as those were the only people she knew because everyone else was not there. So the sister and her two brothers went to the “guy” line and the girl ended up behind me, in the other line. The two guys were telling her to join them and she kept saying no because she’d be only the second girl and that if some other girl goes, she’ll go. And just as she finished saying that, a group of women went to that line.. and I turned to her, smiled, and said “well, there you go!”. She seemed so relieved. To be honest, I just said that so I could start a conversation with her and make a comment about that uncle’s rudeness and how it has no place in Islam. But everything happened so fast and I didn’t get a chance to.

Anyway, my whole point is that this kind of behavior is so ridiculously frustrating. If our beloved prophet pbuh didn’t punish someone who urinated in the mosque, who do we think we are to kick peaceful and considerate people out of mosques because we cannot lower our damn gaze? Those men who confronted her in such a rude way literally would come out of the guys’ side every 5-10 minutes and just look over to the women’s side.. as if we need some kind of paroling. The men who are most elaborate in their enforcement of such ridiculous interpretations of Islamic ruling regarding women also happen to be the men who are so lenient and oblivious in their enactment of Islamic ruling regarding men. Hypocrisy at its best.

Kicking people out of mosques is why some think we have an ethical problem.

We’re at an age now (early twenties) that when someone our age that we grew up with gets married, it gets us thinking. It seemed like yesterday when we played together, when we spend the long summer breaks together, when we looked forward to see each other at a family party. And now they’re entering a new chapter in their lives, walking down the isle, saying the words they’ll never forget, dancing the dance they’ll never forget, taking the steps they’ll never forget. It’s the ultimate sign that we’re growing up and are no kids anymore. Though the thought may be scary, it’s definitely a bittersweet feeling, thinking about how we’re all slowly entering this new stage of our lives together.

But what about when someone from your group dies? It’s a different kind of wake-up call, a different kind of awakening. Of course it’s a staggering piece of truth, an unbelievable event, something that throws you off. You can’t even cry because you simply are incapable of believing it. Less than a year ago, you danced at his wedding.. how can he be gone? We spent long summer days together.. how can he be gone? We spent short summer nights and family parties together.. how can he be gone? It’s not a distant, old person who was sick for a some time. It’s a young person form your group of peers. Death hits so suddenly and surely we are from Allah swt and to Him is our return. Out of nowhere.. bam.. gone.. into nowhere.

It’s difficult to accept, maybe because the fact that it’s a peer reminds us that it could easily have been us. It’s a reminder that’s hard to swallow. And it doesn’t take much of an emotional attachment to the person either to be affected by this because it hit so close to home. Maybe, in this case, another reason why it’s so difficult to accept is because I held useless grudges in my heart. The kind where you dislike/avoid a person because of what they did to you a while back. It’s all so useless. You’d be surprised at how quickly you’re willing to forgive someone once they’ve passed on, once they’re facing the King of kings. All these petty issues don’t matter when you realize that the person is facing God and giving an account of his/her actions. So it just seems unfortunate to have held on to that negativity for months and years when you were ready to drop it in a heartbeat. It’s all so useless and reminds me of that saying in Dari..

Dar Zendagi nakardi Yaadash, dar Marg koni Faryaadash. 

(In his lifetime, you didn’t remember him; during his death you’re sobbing.)

This week, I had to do presentations: One in Anthropology in favor of industrialized agriculture & farming and one in Political Science about some chapter in our textbook. I was stressing out a lot because both were group presentations and I felt like a lot of the pressure was on me. So I was nervous about the first presentation because from past experience, I know that it’s rather difficult to argue in favor of industrialized agriculture & farming. There was a group arguing against it before us, and we had to debate each other at the end. We did fairly well and maybe because I knew their arguments so well, I also knew how to dismantle them and how to weaken their arguments.. and well, deceitfully enough, confuse the other group. Although I had a few slips of tongue, I think overall we did great. They couldn’t refute our points.. or answer our questions.

In Political Science, I talked about institutions and ideologies in the US. It was a little frustrating to have 16 people in our group and still have only 2 people do all of the work. But, I’ve been blessed with the opportunities to speak in front of large groups on several occasions, so this wasn’t too big of a problem. We summarized the chapters and asked our classmates questions. After us, another group presented and started talking about agriculture and the power and influence of food corporations. When they asked us questions, I argued against what I had argued for the day before. I argued against industrialized agricultre and pointed out flaws that the group in the other class didn’t mention. In high school, I was known to have the ability to play “devil’s advocate” and I feared I’d lost that.. But it was reassuring to know that I still had it.

This is what I’m passionate about. I can argue, I can reason, I can communicate what I believe in and have a zeal for. I absolutely love persuading people and this was a confidence boost. It definitely is a great skill to have and although, of course, mine is flawed compared to others and I have a lot of room for improvement, it’s really a handy skill to work with. It takes you far in life, if you know how to use it.

In a desert, once, on a hunt did I find,

With a radiant smile, a flower so fair;

Sadly, I approached and sighed, “Ah! Of my kind

Are you too – a hapless flower from a beloved’s hair.

Frail fingers wouldn’t take you to a soft face so close,

Nor would you be kissed by lips delicate and rose.”

With a silent smile the flower replied, “Don’t lose heart!

This desert I wouldn’t give up for the gardens of Iran,

A solitary I am here while legions are there,

Amidst this cursed soil I stand apart.

In this gray desert, a flamboyant flame of divine light am I,

Beauty’s silent song, a miracle from the sky.

In your garden, there are thousands of flowers like me

In your garden, there are thousands of flowers like me

In this gray desert, a flamboyant flame of divine light am I,

Beauty’s silent song, a miracle from the sky.

In your garden, there are thousands of flowers like me –

A nameless droplet in a nameless sea.

You too, in your desert, don’t feel forlorn,

To behold you at last shall come a sore Ghani Khan.

To behold you at last shall come a sore Ghani Khan.

To behold you at last shall come a sore Ghani Khan.

Yasir & Jawad – Reidi Gul

This beautiful poem by Afghan poet Ghani Khan talks about beauty in individuality (and much more). Too often do I see people give away all their potential, all their beauty that is inherit in that, all their creativity and their ideals to this idea of fitting in. Lately, i’ve noticed it happening with people around me.. much much more so, with myself.

We’re too caught up in this idea: “If I say this, So & so is gonna reply in such and such way.” “If I wear this, so & so is gona accuse me of being such & such.” “If I do this, they’re gonna accuse me of being a hypocrite/fake.” .. when the “so & so” doesn’t really know us and the “such & such” really isn’t true. Too often have I found myself wanting to to something and then not doing it after one of those doubts crossed my mind. But it’s changed recently. We really shouldn’t avoid confrontation.. if someone does say something, I better be able to stand up to what I believe in; I better be able to defend who I am. What people say, or better yet, might say, shouldn’t stop me from pursuing what I am and what I think is right and proper.

Further, our idea of beauty should never rely on what others – particularly others from the other gender – think of us. Especially women shouldn’t rely on whether men perceive them as beautiful or sexy and hot. These men will vanish but your beauty will remain. If you don’t find the beauty within yourself, no compliments can establish it. Detach yourselves from male approval. Be beautiful whether the world approves of it or remains blind to it. Be beautiful in the way that your smile is contagious, in the way that lessens people’s burdens, in a way that enchants your own heart. Such beauty doesn’t come from expensive clothes, revealing apparel, MAC make-up, fancy jewelry and edited photos. It comes from confidence. And confidence cannot be attained when you’re building it on others’s approval.. It’s something that has to be established within you so no one can take it.

And that confidence and strength is what makes you an attractive and sociable human being. If you believe in yourself, respect yourself and honor yourself, others will be forced to do so as well.. but if you just rely on them to gift you strength, respect and honor.. you’ll remain empty-handed on the long run.

Beauty is in individuality and we shouldn’t let fear of confrontation stop us. Know who you are and defend it.. everything else will fall into place.

Though I am probably the most indecisive person on the face of this planet and may have gone through phases in which I wasn’t sure where to put my focus, I want to share a few thoughts on focus and determination. 

Personally, I have this ideal of a lady with a certain kind of character and behavior that I want to be. I know exactly what I want and what is keeping me from it is my own weakness in my character.  But I know what I want because I know what I’m lacking. I know I lack tact, I know I lack consideration, I know I lack sensitiveness. So in every action, in every decision I make, I try to keep those areas I need to work on in mind. “What can I decide now that will bring me closer to who I want to be?” “How can I react now that will be in accordance with who I want to be?” We all have aspirations, on who we want to be, on how we want to improve, on where we want to be. Those are usually big aspirations, but even a 100-mile long journey begins with a single step. So sometimes, I make the wrong decision: I say the wrong thing or react in a way that doesn’t fit into how I want to carry myself. But those little slips shouldn’t keep me from trying again next time. We’re flawed human beings and part of being focused is to accept that and work with that. We’re not perfect and chances are, we won’t ever be but the idea is the process of getting there; the process of trying, no matter what; the process of continuously trying.

“If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.”

Work towards that.Have your goal and give it your all in the way that works best for you. Say, your vision is Azaad Afghanistan and your mind wanders to literature all the time.. then maybe, your personal method is to invest that talent in your vision. The power of words is invaluable and as our beloved prophet Mohammad (pbuh) said, “The ink of a scholar is more valuable than the blood of a martyr.” We all have visions and there are a hundred ways to achieve those visions. My personal key to determination in life is combining my talents and predispositions with my visions and aspirations.. Let’s see how it all unfolds, with God’s will!

We sometimes honestly don’t know how much we’ve been blessed with until we see someone who is lacking all of that.
I have often found myself complaining that my family isn’t open-minded or progress-oriented enough but that’s seriously not the case at all. When the worst comes to worst, they are incredibly open-minded, mashAllah. There is no use holding on to empty cultures and traditions when they serve no purpose anymore and just hold you back from progressing in life.
There are other people who are just stuck in the cultural constructions, something I almost want to refer to as cults, and can’t seem to get out of it. They’ve tried and failed and now, they don’t even want to try anymore and have convinced themselves that they are happy in this life because it’s the “proper” life style. Deep inside, of course, they’re still bitter about it because I am a firm believer in the fact that human beings have the capability to distinguish right from wrong and they know that it’s wrong to live in this mindset. And by “this mindset” I mean this whole notion of prohibiting which is lawfully allowed and allowing which is lawfully prohibited. “I know Islamically, it’s permissible to do ____ but it’s just something we Afghans don’t do!” “If she wears that much make-up in the mosque while wearing Hijab, she might not wear a Hijab at all” (coming from a make-up artist). Double-standards annoy me and to impose that backward mindset on others and even go as far as hijacking the festivities and special occasion with this diarrhea of “That’s not how it’s supposed to be; this is wrong in our culture” is straight up disgusting.

And while I was exposed to it, I was getting so annoyed to the point where I even initiated a “dialog”. Of course, it didn’t go far and I just found myself getting a little aggravated. But we left it at that and later on in the conversation, the girl was talking about her job and we started asking her all kinds of questions about her job and skin care routines she suggests. She recommended a few products and shared some of her routines. Even from her, I learned. Earlier that evening, I found myself almost looking down on her, assuming that there’s nothing I can learn from her. But I was wrong. There is always something we can learn from everyone we encounter. Their bitterness in life is expressed through their cynical comments and this fault-finding attitude toward everything. But we can’t let that bitterness reflex on ourselves by becoming bitter towards them, assuming nothing but negativity and uselessness to come form them. The sun reflects itself, even in a tear.

Please stay tuned as I am experiencing technical difficulties.. The daily blogging will be back up as soon as possible and until then, I will try my best to write posts on a non-daily basis, whenever I get access to the internet. As of right now, please bear with me as I am forced to put the daily blogging on a pause for a few days.